Understanding Our Relationship with Pleasure Our relationship with pleasure is complicated. You’d think that if something feels good, nourishing, and life-affirming, we would naturally make it a priority. Yet, for many of us, pleasure is one of the first things to be pushed down the list. Not because we don’t want it, but because we’ve quietly learned and been taught that it’s optional, indulgent, or something to get around to later. A later that rarely comes. In reality, it’s not that pleasure disappears from our lives. It’s that we gradually reduce its importance. We place obstacles in the way. We tell ourselves there isn’t time, that we haven’t earned it, that it’s selfish, distracting, or somehow less valuable than productivity, responsibility, or achievement. Over time, our capacity to feel pleasure dulls. Pleasure Is Personal Pleasure is deeply individual. What feels pleasurable to one person may do nothing for another—or may even feel uncomfortable. I don’t drink tea or alcohol, so a morning brew or a gin and tonic at the end of the day doesn’t even register on my pleasure list. Suggest ice cream, though, and I’m fully present. Pleasure isn’t hierarchical. There is no “right” kind. It can be: Movement or stillness Warmth or touch Rest or laughter Solitude or connection For some, pleasure is found in a long yoga practice or a run. For others, it’s the small moments of enjoying a shower without rushing, climbing into fresh bedding, wrapping yourself in a clean towel, sipping your cup of coffee, doing a jigsaw, having a clear desk, or pausing long enough to feel your breath. Often, it’s these simple pleasures that disappear first. The Hierarchy of Acceptable Pleasure Our wider culture plays a powerful role in how we relate to pleasure. As a society, we tend to rank pleasures, often unconsciously. Intellectual or cultural pleasures such as reading, art, cooking, theatre, or the opera are generally seen as enriching, acceptable, even admirable. Physical pleasure, by contrast, especially sensual or sexual pleasure, is often viewed as base, indulgent, or less evolved. Even physical activity, play, or bodily enjoyment can be quietly downgraded when compared with more “civilised” pursuits. This hierarchy teaches us that pleasure of the body matters less than pleasure of the mind. Yet it is through our bodies that we experience the world at all. We don’t think life - we feel it. Conditioning, Religion, and Shame For many men, attitudes toward sexual pleasure are shaped early through religion, family, education, and polite society. Sexual pleasure is often portrayed as: Shameful Indulgent Lacking control Not to be discussed Even when religion is no longer consciously present in our lives, its messages can linger in the body. Pleasure becomes linked with guilt. Enjoyment becomes something to monitor. Desire becomes something to manage rather than understand. We are even taught which actions, tastes, and practices are considered acceptable and which are not. Over time, many men internalise the belief that enjoying physical and sexual pleasure is somehow wrong, excessive, or even dangerous. How Pleasure Lives in the Body Pleasure isn’t just an idea. It’s a physiological experience. When we experience pleasure, the body releases a complex and intelligent cocktail of chemicals: Dopamine - linked to desire, motivation, and reward Oxytocin - associated with bonding, trust, and emotional safety Endorphins - our natural pain relievers Serotonin - supporting mood, regulation, and wellbeing These chemicals don’t just make us feel good in the moment. They help regulate the nervous system. They support resilience, emotional balance, connection, and stress recovery. Pleasure helps the body feel safe. And feeling safe is essential for relaxation, arousal, intimacy, and deeper sensation, especially when we talk about sexual pleasure. Male Sexual Pleasure - Remembering What Your Body Already Knows Pleasure is not something we learn; it is something we are born with. From the beginning, the human body is wired for sensation, curiosity, and responsiveness. Pleasure is part of our design, not an indulgence added later. Yet, for many men, sexual pleasure becomes narrowed, conditioned, and gradually disconnected from the rest of the body. From a young age, many men learn that sexual pleasure is something quick, goal-oriented, and private, something to release tension rather than something to explore. As a result, pleasure becomes functional rather than felt. And when pleasure isn’t fully felt, it becomes harder to prioritise. Often it becomes centred on: Erection Performance Ejaculation Outcome Rather than sensation. Rather than presence. Rather than the full-body experience male pleasure is capable of. Male sexual pleasure is not limited to the genitals, though the genitals are powerful sensory centres. The skin, muscles, breath, nervous system, heart, and imagination are all involved. When pleasure is allowed to spread, it often becomes grounding rather than overwhelming. The Physiology of Male Sexual Pleasure Sexual pleasure is a whole-body event. When arousal begins, the parasympathetic nervous system, the ‘rest and receive’ state, plays a key role. This is why relaxation, safety and presence are essential and not optional. In the body: Blood flow increases throughout the pelvis and lower body Nerve endings heighten sensitivity to touch, pressure, warmth, and movement Breath naturally changes rhythm Muscle tone fluctuates, creating waves of sensation At the chemical level: Dopamine fuels desire and anticipation Oxytocin supports connection and trust Endorphins enhance pleasure and soften pain Prolactin and serotonin help regulate satisfaction and settling When pleasure is rushed, the body often moves quickly toward ejaculation, bypassing much of this richness and sensation. When pleasure is slowed, sensation has time to build, spread, soften, and deepen. This is where many men discover that pleasure can be expansive rather than tense, nourishing rather than depleting, calming rather than agitating. Consent, Safety, and Control Consent is fundamental to pleasure. This includes the consent of others and our own. Internal consent means listening to the body’s yes, no, and maybe. When consent is present, the nervous system relaxes. Safety increases. Pleasure deepens. Feeling safe doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of intensity. It can include choice, boundaries, and a sense of control—not controlling but knowing you can pause, slow down, or stop. Even subtle stressors matter. If the body feels it may be disturbed, rushed, or interrupted, it often shifts into alertness rather than receptivity. For some, this edge can feel arousing, but only when it is consciously chosen and feels contained. Self-Pleasure - From Relief to Relationship For many men, self-pleasure becomes habitual and functional. Something done quickly. Privately. Often in the head rather than the body. Sometimes, maybe always, masturbation becomes focused solely on ejaculation, even without a fully hard penis, because the aim is to cum. In those moments, it’s often not pleasure that’s being experienced, but relief. Relief from tension. Relief from stress. Relief from arousal that feels uncomfortable. Repeated often enough, this trains the nervous system to associate sexual experience with urgency rather than enjoyment and having a semi-erect penis. This is not the only way. Self-pleasure can also become a relationship with your body, your sensations, and your capacity to feel. When approached with presence, it can be a way of reconnecting with the body, learning your unique pleasure responses, increasing sensitivity rather than numbing it, and cultivating safety with arousal. This isn’t about doing more. It’s about doing less and more slowly. Feeling rather than chasing. Listening rather than pushing. In this way, self-pleasure becomes practice. All Pleasure Has a Place Not all pleasure needs to be slow, expansive, or deeply embodied to be valid. Quick, relieving, or functional pleasure has its place—especially in busy lives, stressful moments, or when the body simply wants release. There is nothing wrong with this. The difficulty arises when hurried pleasure becomes the only form we allow ourselves, rather than one choice among many. When that happens, the body forgets that pleasure can also be spacious, nourishing, and deeply felt. Pleasure With Others - Beyond Performance With another person, pleasure deepens most when the nervous system feels safe. Safety allows relaxation, authentic arousal, emotional availability, and deeper sensations. Without safety, the body often defaults to performance. Trying to get it right. Trying to last. Trying to please. But pleasure isn’t something we give or take. It’s something that emerges when bodies are allowed to respond honestly. Slowness, breath, touch without agenda, and permission to feel are often far more powerful than technique. Pleasure After Orgasm For many men, ejaculation marks the end. Goal achieved. Clean up. Sleep. Yet pleasure does not necessarily stop at orgasm. There are often subtle sensations still moving through the body - warmth, tingling, pulsing, soft waves of feeling. When allowed, these sensations can ebb and flow, deepen relaxation, and enhance satisfaction. Whether alone or with another, staying present with post-orgasmic sensation allows pleasure to become more rather than less. Why Pleasure Gets Relegated For many men, pleasure doesn’t disappear - it quietly loses importance. Earlier we explored how pleasure supports safety, regulation, and connection in the body. And yet, despite this, it is often the first thing to be sacrificed. Think about the pleasures you enjoy on holiday - slower mornings, unhurried meals, time to feel your body, a sense of space. We often say, “I’ll definitely keep doing this at home.” And then life resumes. Pleasure slips to the bottom of the list, not because it doesn’t matter, but because it isn’t framed as essential. Yet pleasure supports emotional regulation, nervous system health, intimacy, creativity, and vitality. It is not extra. It is foundational. And still, it is often the first thing to go. It’s Not Important One of the quiet beliefs many men carry is that pleasure simply isn’t important enough. It sits below work, responsibility, productivity, and usefulness. When time feels limited, pleasure is treated as optional—something nice to have, rather than something that supports how we function, relate, and feel alive. So it gets postponed. Time “I don’t have time” is one of the most common reasons men give. Yet many of us find time for scrolling, distraction, or numbing, just not for conscious pleasure. Pleasure requires presence. And presence asks us to slow down. In busy lives, slowing down can feel uncomfortable, even threatening, because it brings us back into the body and into feeling. Self-Worth and Earning Pleasure At a deeper level, many men don’t fully believe they deserve pleasure - especially pleasure that doesn’t serve a purpose. If pleasure hasn’t been earned through hard work, productivity, or achievement, it can feel undeserved, and pleasure gets postponed until we’re “better,” “more sorted,” or “less tired.” Which, of course, often means rarely. Guilt Around Pleasure For some men, pleasure carries guilt. Guilt about enjoying the body. Guilt about sexual desire. Guilt about taking time for themselves. This guilt is often unconscious and inherited through family patterns, religion, culture, and unspoken messages about what is acceptable. Pleasure becomes something we enjoy despite ourselves, rather than something we allow. Many men learn about sexual pleasure through secrecy, urgency, or shame. This conditioning can lead to rushing, disconnecting from sensation, staying in the head, and using fantasy to escape the body - often reinforced through pornography. Over time, the body learns to bypass sensation rather than deepen into it. The irony is that pleasure becomes harder to access, and so it is reduced to relief rather than enjoyment. Making Pleasure Part of Your Life - A Few Golden Rules Pleasure doesn’t stay present in our lives by accident. In a culture that rewards productivity, speed, and self-control, pleasure needs conscious space. Not effort or discipline, just intention. A few simple principles can help pleasure remain woven into everyday life rather than pushed aside again: Slow down before you add more Pleasure doesn’t usually arrive through intensity or effort. It emerges when the body has time to feel. Slowness is not a luxury—it’s a requirement. Let pleasure be enough Notice the impulse to rush toward an outcome, release, or completion. Pleasure deepens when sensation itself is allowed to be the point. Choose presence over performance Whether alone or with others, pleasure grows when there’s no one to impress, achieve for, or prove anything to. Feeling is more important than doing it ‘right’. Make space without justification Pleasure doesn’t need to be earned or defended. It doesn’t have to be productive, healing, or transformational. It’s enough that it’s felt. Listen to your body’s pace Your body already knows how pleasure works—when to open, when to soften, when to pause. Trusting that rhythm is often the missing piece. When pleasure is treated as essential rather than optional, something shifts. The body relaxes. The nervous system settles. Sexuality becomes less about tension and release, and more about connection and nourishment. Pleasure isn’t something to chase. It’s something to allow. And when we let it take its rightful place in our lives, we often discover it’s been waiting patiently all along. A Gentle Practice Creating space for pleasure can be simple: Choosing ten unhurried minutes Allowing touch without an outcome Letting the body lead rather than the mind Prioritising presence over performance Give this a go. Set aside 5 to 10 minutes. Lie or sit comfortably. Place one hand on your chest and one on your lower belly. Notice your breath without trying to change it. Then gently ask yourself: Where do I already feel sensation? What happens if I let that sensation be enough? There is no need to create arousal. No need to stimulate. Simply practise feeling. Not because it’s productive but because it’s human. Pleasure begins with awareness. A Reflection You might like to reflect on: What messages did I learn about pleasure growing up? Where do I rush pleasure rather than receive it? What would change if pleasure didn’t need to be earned? Pleasure is not separate from who you are. It is part of your nervous system. Part of your body. Part of your humanity. And reclaiming pleasure is not about excess - it’s about coming home to yourself. In my work with men, I often see how pleasure has been quietly sidelined. Not through choice but through conditioning, shame, and the pressure to perform. Much of what we explore together isn’t about learning something new. It’s about unlearning what has got in the way and reconnecting with pleasure, particularly physical and sexual pleasure, through safety, presence, and embodied awareness rather than performance or technique. It’s not about fixing the body; it’s about learning to listen to it again. When the body feels safe enough to slow down, pleasure often begins to return naturally - not as something to chase but as something to trust. Until the next time. Enjoy the day you create. Martin

Pain is a Teacher: Lessons from My Rib Injury Pain is something most of us try to avoid, hide from, or push through. A recent injury reminded me that pain, whether physical or emotional, isn’t just something to “get rid of.” It’s a message, an invitation, and often the first step towards real rehabilitation. Here’s what my rib injury taught me about healing, awareness, and the small steps that genuinely move us forward. The Incident Four weeks ago today, just as I was getting back into the gym after my bike accident, I had a mishap and managed to damage my ribs crashing against a coffee table. If you’ve ever injured your ribs, you’ll know how every breath, twist, and movement can send a sharp, almost unbearable jolt of pain through your body. If you haven’t, believe me, it’s an experience best avoided. From the very first morning, getting in and out of bed felt like a challenge I hadn’t signed up for. The simplest movements became lessons in patience. Beneath the discomfort, though, a surprising thing began to happen. I started to learn how to work with the pain instead of fighting it. Pain stopped being the enemy and became a guide, showing me exactly where I needed to slow down, breathe, and pay attention. Resisting pain only made it worse, both physically and mentally. Listening to the Body Pain, it turns out, is actually a messenger! I’m not talking about the sayings “pain is weakness leaving the body” or “no pain, no gain” either. Pain signals our limits and demands attention. It’s a reminder that recovery is not about pushing harder. It’s about slowing down, tuning in, and listening. Every small task became a lesson. Each movement needed awareness and mindfulness. Getting into and out of bed was a carefully planned operation and was impossible for the first two nights. I was thankful to friends for their suggestions, and each one felt like a lifeline. I know it sounds dramatic, but pain makes you focus and look for any relief possible. Coughing and sneezing was a definite no-no! Pain made me focus on what mattered and respect where my body was at. Small Considered Steps Recovery is a step-by-step process. There were moments of frustration and impatience, and moments when I wondered if I’d ever move normally again. Yep, dramatic again! Each day brought small victories - a deeper breath without pain, a stretch that felt just a little freer, the ability to get out of bed without wincing. These small wins were powerful reminders that progress doesn’t need to be dramatic or fast. Paying attention, moving with intention, and honouring what your body is telling you were the keys to recovering. Getting up from a chair without yelping in pain - armchairs were more of a challenge - walking downstairs without pausing on every step, and not dreading moving a pillow in bed all felt like milestones. I tried something I had read about. Instead of fearing the pain, I approached the edge of a movement, accepted that it would hurt, and moved into it, staying as relaxed as possible. The pain still came, but the anxiety around the pain eased. I was working with pain rather than against it. I also learned the power of rest and when not to push. An injury isn’t only physical. It’s mental and emotional too. Accepting the need to slow down, to let go of plans and expectations, was surprisingly liberating. I had space to reflect and refocus on what actually matters. Recovery included mental quiet and emotional care as much as gentle movement. By the way, I’m not advocating you injure yourself so you can refocus! Injuries of the Body and Beyond Physical injuries are obvious - a broken rib, a sprained ankle, a pulled muscle - though life also brings other kinds of ‘invisible injuries’. The ones we can’t see shape our sense of self and well-being and impact our lives: The quiet ache of feeling not good enough. Heartbreak and grief. Mental health struggles. These are injuries too. Their pain may appear differently from physical injuries, but they can limit movement, confidence, and our ability to live fully , just as my rib injury restricted me. Like physical pain, these emotional and mental injuries are signals. They’re our body, heart, or mind telling us that something needs attention. Ignoring them, pushing through, or pretending they don’t exist changes nothing. Acknowledging them, listening carefully, and taking small, deliberate steps is how recovery begins. For physical injuries, healing might mean gentle movement, rest, or physiotherapy. For emotional or mental injuries, it could be journalling, therapy, honest conversations, self-compassion, or simply being kind to yourself. I love the saying “We would not allow others to talk to us the way we talk to ourselves.” Every small victory matters. A day when the pain is less sharp, a moment of self-kindness, a new perspective gained. These are signs of progress and reminders that growth isn’t always dramatic or fast. It’s often subtle, gradual, and cumulative. Suddenly we feel better, though it’s been a journey getting there. The Injury as the First Step I’ve come to realise that an injury, whether physical, mental, or emotional, isn’t the start of a journey at all. It is actually about awareness and the first stage of rehabilitation . It’s the moment your system says: “Hold on a minute. Pause. Check in. Something needs attention.” It’s an invitation to look back and reflect and ask: What was happening in your life before the injury? Where were you pushing? What were you avoiding? Which familiar patterns were running on autopilot? Without that moment of awareness, we tend to keep living in ways that might actually be doing more harm than good. When we treat ‘injuries’ as the starting point rather than a setback, whether it’s a pulled muscle, a heartbreak, or the ache of shame, something changes. Recovery becomes less about rushing back to ‘normal’ and more about cultivating awareness. We begin to notice patterns, acknowledge pain honestly, and celebrate small (even tiny) wins. Those small wins are the building blocks of healing. Using Pain as a Guide This has been the most powerful realisation from my own experience, and it’s something I see often in my work. In daily life, most of us only pause when something forces us to. An injury, illness, redundancy, or the end of a relationship interrupts the habitual flow of life and creates space to choose differently. That interruption is a quiet gift. It gives permission to pay attention, become aware, and make changes. Pain is often seen as something to beat, ignore, or push through, and that if we endure it, we are strong and weak if we don’t. Pain grabs our attention, sometimes sharply if my own experience is anything to go by, and points us toward what’s missing or out of balance. It becomes our teacher. From a scientific perspective, resisting pain is counterproductive. The fear-avoidance model shows that avoiding pain entirely can create cycles of fear and restriction, while approaching pain mindfully reduces anxiety and supports adaptive recovery. Neuroscience also backs this up. Pain changes how the brain and nervous system respond. This is neuroplasticity in action. When we listen to pain rather than fight it, the nervous system can learn safer movement patterns and reduce threat responses. Research also shows that pain itself is a learning process. Chronic pain often becomes a learned pattern in the brain. Treating pain as a guide helps us interrupt those patterns rather than reinforcing them through fear or avoidance. Even gentle movement or mindful touch has been shown to help reduce pain and support the body in finding new, less reactive pathways. Maybe the saying ought to be 'Pain is no gain!' When we pay attention to pain, we can begin to see where we’ve ignored our needs, where energy has been leaking away, or where old habits have been running the show without us noticing. Pain points us toward what’s missing—rest, focus, patience, or support. It forces a slowing down that lets us notice the small things we normally miss in the rush of life: a breath that’s too shallow, a posture that’s braced and defensive, or the tight voice of worry and stress. This rib injury reminded me to be gentle with myself, to be patient with a body that’s doing its job of healing, and to celebrate the tiny shifts. Healing, like awareness, doesn’t obey deadlines. It unfolds in its own time. That was a hard lesson! Emotional ‘injuries’ ask the same of us. They invite us to notice triggers, to soften our critical self-talk, and to begin rebuilding with care. Recovery from any type of injury is a process of small, deliberate steps that add up over time. If you’re facing physical pain, emotional hurt, or deep shame, frame it to see the injury as an invitation, not a stop sign, to check in, rebalance, and begin real rehabilitation. With attention, patience, and kindness towards yourself, there is a way forward, one careful step at a time. What I’ve Learnt from Pain Being My Guide You have a role to play in your own recovery. Healing is not something that just “happens.” It’s something you participate in actively. Your mindset, your breath, your movement, your rest, and your awareness all shape how you heal. Even the small, deliberate actions make a real difference. These are my own recommendations based on personal experience. They’re simple and made a difference to how I felt as I set about recovering. How to Support the Recovery Process: 1. Be as fit as you reasonably can before an injury happens. A stronger, more conditioned body gives you more resources when you need them—for physical repair, emotional resilience, and mental stamina. 2. Accept the injury has happened. There’s a difference between surrender and acceptance. Acceptance creates clarity, reduces resistance, and lets you focus your energy on recovery. I’ve written about this in more detail in my blog on Acceptance and Surrender at www.benkdcoaching.co m . 3. Reframe pain and use it as a guide, not an enemy. Pain can be informative. It shows where to slow down, how to adjust, and where support is needed. Treating pain as a companion rather than a threat removes a huge amount of fear and tension around movement. 4. Pause, breathe, and stay connected to your body. When pain arises: soften, take a few slow breaths, notice where you feel tightness or space. I found that simple act can reduce tension and reset nervous-system patterns. 5. Move—movement really does help. Movement doesn’t have to be dramatic. Getting out of bed, standing up from a chair, walking a few steps—all count. These small movements build confidence, circulation, and momentum. Rest is important too, mentally and physically, and you’ll know the difference between kindness and indulgence. 6. Have support. Recovery is always easier with people around you. A bit of reassurance or practical help takes pressure off your system and lets you focus on healing rather than coping alone. Share how you are feeling. Speaking about the pain makes it less isolating. 7. Prioritise sleep. Sleep is one of the most powerful healing tools we have. In the early days, rest might come in chunks, daytime naps, broken nights—and that’s completely normal. Let your body take what it needs. 8. Remember that recovery is not linear. Healing doesn’t unfold in straight lines. I had days when everything felt easier, followed by days when my body felt as if it had slipped backwards. This isn’t failure; it’s biology. Progress often happens in waves, not steps. Trust the direction, not the day-to-day fluctuations. 9. Feed your body well. Nutrition matters more than most of us realise when we’re healing. High-quality food supports tissue repair, regulates inflammation, and stabilises energy and mood. Eating well isn’t about perfection; it’s about giving your body the raw materials it needs to rebuild. 10. Keep a simple record of progress. Jot down small wins, setbacks, observations. Watching evolution over time helps you stay grounded and gives perspective when impatience creeps in. 11. Avoid comparing yourself to the “old you.” Comparison slows recovery. Awareness speeds it up. Recognise the tiny wins—even the ridiculous ones. The day I stood up from a chair without my ribs taking my breath away was pure joy. These 'micro-victories' matter more than we realise. A common trap after injury is comparing what you used to do with what you can do now. That time will return. Early on, comparison just creates frustration and pressure. This also applies to exercise. When running jarred my ribs, I switched to the cross trainer. They’re completely different movements with different demands, so I couldn't compare them. What mattered was I was moving, gently and with awareness. Allow the phase you’re in to be enough. Celebrate what you can do rather than mourn what you temporarily can’t. Progress builds from there. My ribs are healing, and I’m noticing and appreciating the little things I’d been taking for granted, such as moving without pain, being back at work, getting back to the gym, and simply feeling more relaxed in body and mind. There’s definitely been a shift in my priorities too. Next time you hear someone saying "pain is weakness leaving the body," maybe smile and mention that pain is far too valuable to live without! I think that’s enough injuries for 2025! Until the next time. Enjoy the day you create. Martin

Understanding Our Sexual Patterns Our patterns around sexual activities are established early in life. For many men, first sexual experiences are secretive, hidden under duvets and shrouded in silence. Being heard is often considered taboo. We learn what type of sex is ‘acceptable’ and ‘normal’ through conversations with friends and influences from family, religion, and even pornography. These factors shape our sexual patterns and attitudes. The focus often leans towards Destination Sex rather than Journey Sex, regardless of our sexuality. In this blog, I will explore these two ways of experiencing sex: Destination Sex and Journey Sex. I will also discuss how awareness and presence can transform both experiences. Destination Sex For men, Destination Sex is primarily focused on the end goal of ejaculation and orgasm. From the moment things begin, there’s a clear objective to reach. All energy is directed toward that destination. It can feel like ‘sex by numbers,’ following a familiar plan or routine, whether solo or shared. When alone, it might look like a quick, habitual “get to sleep” tug or a boredom-fueled session at the desk. It often becomes more about release than pleasure, leaving one disconnected from their body. The mind drives the process, relying on fantasy or porn for stimulation, while the body is barely involved. Afterwards, it’s a quick clean-up and back to sleep or whatever was happening before. When with a partner, the path may vary, but the destination rarely does. Sensations are present, yet the mind takes the lead, monitoring, directing, and judging the experience. Challenges of Destination Sex A couple of challenges arise with Destination Sex: If the destination isn’t reached, it can lead to frustration, disappointment, or anxiety. It often revolves around performance . When performance feels pressured, worries about erection, stamina, or “doing it right” can surface. It tends to focus on control or proving something, rather than being present and feeling. The orgasm might be powerful, but once it’s over, that’s it. Done. Finished. Box ticked. Journey Sex Journey Sex shifts the focus from outcome to experience. It’s about sensations and letting the body take the lead to discover what feels genuinely good. There’s no end goal or finish line; the quality of sensations is what truly matters. In Journey Sex, sexual energy flows through the body, spreading pleasure beyond the genitals. It invites a connection to oneself, to one’s partner, and to the present moment. There’s no pressure to perform because there’s nothing to prove. It’s about feeling , not achieving. That doesn’t mean orgasm doesn’t occur. It can, but it’s not the aim. Men often discover that orgasm and ejaculation are not the same. Orgasmic sensations can ripple through the body without release, expanding pleasure rather than ending it. I once worked with a client who shared that during masturbation, he didn’t actually feel his penis or body. Everything was focused on ejaculation. Once we worked together on slowing down and connecting to physical sensations, he discovered a new way of experiencing pleasure. He relied less on imagination or porn and more on what his body was actually feeling. This transformed his relationship with sexual activities. Destination Sex or Journey Sex? Both approaches have their place. One isn’t better than the other; they serve different purposes. Destination Sex can be exciting, passionate, and satisfying. Journey Sex can be nourishing, connective, and expansive. Both forms of sex can become more fulfilling when approached with awareness and presence. Destination Sex can become more connected and embodied when attention is brought to sensations and the shared experience, not just the goal. Journey Sex invites you to slow down, breathe, and explore what truly feels good, even amazing! From Presence in Sex to Presence in Life Learning to shift from Destination Sex to Journey Sex is about reconnecting with your body and letting go of performance pressures. Both types of sex can become more present and fulfilling when approached with awareness. Over time, and through my work, I’ve noticed that when men allow themselves to move from being in their head to being fully in their body, their sexual experience changes. Pleasure, connection, and authenticity deepen naturally. Experiences shift from being about technique or goals to feeling more, being present, and exploring what truly feels good . What’s remarkable is that these shifts often ripple into other areas of life. Men report showing up differently in relationships, work, and personal growth. They live with more presence, confidence, and connection beyond their sexual experiences. The Importance of Awareness Awareness is key in both Destination and Journey Sex. It allows individuals to understand their bodies better and to connect with their partners on a deeper level. This understanding can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences and enhance overall well-being. When you practice awareness, you become attuned to your body’s signals. This can help you recognize when you are moving towards Destination Sex and when you can shift to Journey Sex. The ability to switch between these two experiences can enrich your sexual life and improve intimacy with your partner. Conclusion In conclusion, both Destination Sex and Journey Sex have their unique benefits. By cultivating awareness and presence, you can enhance your sexual experiences and deepen your connections. Remember, it’s not just about the destination; it’s about the journey. Until the next time. Enjoy the day you create. Martin

Understanding Our Relationship with Numbers We often let numbers—age, weight, salary, height, and even how much we can lift—shape our sense of self and worth. We don’t just see the number; we attach meaning to it, layering on judgments about who we are. Is benching 100kg, being over six foot, or hitting a certain salary about your value as a man? Or is it just a number? Numbers Are Everywhere Age. Weight. Height. How many miles you run. The calories in your breakfast. The money you earn. Steps on your smartwatch. Numbers surround us. Thanks to social media, they’re no longer private. Followers, likes, and comments can start to feel like scoreboards for life. The truth? It’s not the numbers themselves that matter. It’s the meaning, maybe even the power, we attach to them. We add a narrative to them. Quietly and subconsciously, we let them decide our value. When Age Becomes a Rulebook For many, age becomes a rulebook. When people discover my age, they often pause. Then comes the classic question: “Are you sure you should be doing that at your age?” That question reveals more about them than it does about me. It points to something bigger: the invisible “guidelines” society holds about what men should do and how they should look at certain ages. David Robson, in The Expectation Effect , shows how our beliefs about ageing can directly influence our health—both positively and negatively. If we believe we’re “too old” for something, we don’t just avoid that activity; we begin to limit ourselves in other ways too. We contract rather than expand our sense of what’s possible. I see it all the time. If I mention swimming in cold water, eyebrows are raised. If I say I run half marathons, concern arises. But yoga? No reaction. Apparently, that’s “allowed” for my age—as though the rulebook says gentle stretching is fine, but anything that gets the heart pumping crosses the line. (It also tells me these people have never been to an Ashtanga yoga class!) Men, Numbers, and the Body Many men judge themselves based on numbers linked to their bodies: Height Number of visible abs Hair loss Weight lifted in the gym How many times they have sex Size of biceps Or, let’s be honest, penis size. The unspoken equation often goes something like this: Bigger = more virile, more masculine, more valid. Smaller = less so. Others measure themselves by the speed of a run, the weight on a bench press, or how quickly they bounce back from injury. Often, we’re not even comparing ourselves to other men but to a younger version of ourselves. Our 25-year-old body becomes the eternal yardstick, and we feel like we’re “losing.” It’s rarely just one number either. If you’re chasing validation, you’ll use many scoreboards: body, fitness, money, sex, career. None of the numbers are bad in themselves; rather, it’s the stories we attach to them that do the damage. The problem arises when we let numbers decide our worth. Society’s Obsession With Numbers Society loves numbers because they’re easy to measure and compare. From early childhood, we’re taught that numbers equal value. A 10 out of 10 in a spelling test means genius. A 2 out of 10 means failure. Never mind that two kids in the same class can be nearly a year apart in age! The same goes for adulthood. Settle down by 30. Buy a house by 35. Peak in your career by 40. Retire by 67. If you don’t tick the boxes at the “right” time, you’re seen as behind or less worthy. Age is a big one. Children boast: “I’m 7 and three-quarters!” Older people get celebrated at milestones: “I’m nearly 92!” Somewhere in the middle, people start hiding their numbers. When I tell people my age, the most common response is: “You don’t look your age!” It’s meant as a compliment, yet it carries an unspoken assumption that there’s a “standard” way we’re all supposed to look at each age. If you look older, have you failed the test? Are you somehow “less than” because you don’t match the picture? Health and Sexual Scorecards Then there are the medical numbers: blood pressure, cholesterol, testosterone levels. They’re useful markers, yes, but for many men, they become verdicts on masculinity and vitality. Let’s not forget the unspoken “performance” numbers that are in many men's heads—how often you have sex, how long you last, how many partners you’ve had. Men compare here too. The truth is intimacy isn’t a scoreboard, yet numbers creep in and pile on unnecessary pressure to perform. The Weight of Expectations Men Carry Numbers themselves are neutral. They don’t care who you are. It’s our relationship with them that creates pressure. Society gives us a checklist of when things “should” happen: Settle down by this age. Look like this at that age. Stop certain activities once you hit a certain number. Chasing numerical goals can lead to strain, both mental and physical. When we attach rules like “I should be at X by Y age,” we set ourselves up for stress, burnout, and disappointment. The pressure builds. We push harder than we need to, risking injury, exhaustion, or anxiety. Numbers can be useful guides, yet when they define us, the joy drains away. Here’s the truth: the rules aren’t real. They’re made up. They’re cultural habits, not universal truths. In fact, in many cultures, age is respected and honoured. For example, when my mother celebrated her 90th birthday in Thailand, her age was seen as an incredible achievement and not something to hide. When someone questions why I still run or go to the gym, I sometimes wonder if they are reflecting their own fears back at me. Are they really asking themselves if they could be doing more, rather than whether I ought to be doing less? The Mental Toll of Number Chasing When we add layers to numbers, like “I should be at X by Y age,” we set ourselves up for disappointment. Obsessing over weight, fitness personal bests, sexual performance, and financial milestones can lead to anxiety, stress, burnout, and injury. I’ve been there: pushing for one more rep or one faster mile only to end up sore, frustrated, or watching Netflix with an ice pack. The Joy of Letting Go of Numbers We are more than the numbers we hit or miss. Fulfilment comes from the connections, experiences, and memories that can’t be measured. Instead of asking what number did I hit , I ask: How do I feel? Is this bringing me joy, energy, or meaning? Does it help me connect with myself or others? When I focus here, numbers lose their power to define me. Whether you’re 27, 57, or 87, whether you run marathons or prefer a gentle walk with a coffee afterwards, whether you are tall or short, whether you have sex daily, weekly, or rarely, the number is just one detail in your story. It’s not the headline. Rewriting the Script Numbers are not the enemy, and I’m not saying to ignore them completely. They can be helpful markers. But the magic happens when we stop adding the extra layer of “I should…” Age is simply how many trips you’ve had around the sun. Weight is simply how much your body weighs today. Money is simply the number in your account. Height is simply your measurement. Your penis? Simply the size it is. The real question is, how do you live with the numbers in your life? What power are you giving them to define you? Maybe the next time someone says, “You don’t look your age,” I'll just smile and say, “This is exactly what my age looks like.” Because it is. Until the next time. Enjoy the day you create. Martin

Your body never lies. It is your most faithful guide, offering real-time feedback on how you’re living, moving, and feeling. The mind, however, is easily swayed by expectations, conditioning, and distractions. While the mind justifies, overthinks, or ignores, the body simply speaks its truth. Are you listening? And more importantly, do you trust what your body is telling you? For many, the path from mind to body is a superhighway that is well-travelled and reinforced. But the route from body to mind? That’s often just a narrow cycle track, overlooked and underused. Learning to trust the body's wisdom means widening that path, making space for sensation, intuition, and awareness. Your Body Speaks—Are You Listening? We have grown used to overriding our body’s signals. Fatigue? Push through. Pain? Ignore it. Anxiety? Suppress it. Excitement? Tone it down. We have been conditioned to distrust our own physical experience and to believe that logic, rules, or external validation matter more than what we feel deep inside. Yet the body speaks in clear, undeniable ways: When you’re unsafe , your stomach tightens, your breath shortens, your muscles tense. When you’re stressed , your shoulders creep up, your jaw clenches, your heartbeat races. When something excites you , your energy surges, your skin tingles, your breath deepens. When you’re holding back emotions , you might feel a lump in your throat, heaviness in your chest, or an ache in your gut. When you experience pleasure , your breath slows and deepens, your skin becomes more sensitive, warmth spreads through your body, and your muscles relax. Sometimes pleasure feels like waves moving through you, sometimes it is a tingling aliveness, a pulsing sensation, or a sense of spaciousness and expansion. These sensations are not random. They are messages. Your body is always guiding you if you choose to listen. What Happens When We Ignore the Body’s Messages? When we consistently override or suppress what our body is telling us, it doesn't just go away. The messages become louder, often showing up as: Chronic tension and pain – Ignored stress or emotional suppression can manifest as headaches, tight shoulders, digestive issues, or general body aches. Fatigue and burnout – Pushing through exhaustion without rest leads to energy depletion, adrenal fatigue, and a weakened immune system. Anxiety and emotional imbalance – When we don’t process emotions through the body, they can get stuck, leading to ongoing stress, anxiety, or even depression. Digestive issues – The gut is deeply connected to our emotions. Ignoring discomfort, stress, or unhealthy habits can result in bloating, IBS, or gut related disorders. Disconnection from pleasure – The more we disconnect from our body’s sensations, the harder it becomes to fully feel and enjoy pleasure, whether that’s through food, movement, intimacy, or everyday experiences. Increased risk of illness – A body in constant stress mode is more prone to illness due to chronic inflammation and a weakened immune system. Ignoring the body’s signals doesn’t make them disappear it just forces them to manifest in more severe ways. The good news is, we can relearn how to listen and trust our body before it reaches that breaking point . From Disconnection to Trust For many of us, the mind-body connection is a one-way street where the mind dominates, while the body is forced to comply. We punish our bodies for not looking the way we want. We criticise them for aging, for not performing how we think they should. This disconnection is especially apparent in our most intimate moments. Instead of allowing sex to be a journey of physical exploration and pleasure , we often turn it into a performance with an end goal , chasing an expectation rather than experiencing the moment. When we override our body’s natural rhythm, we lose touch with the depth of sensation, intimacy, and connection that is possible. But what if we did things differently? What if we trusted our bodies rather than fought against them? Relearning How to Listen Trusting your body starts with paying attention . Here’s how you can reconnect: Pause and notice: Throughout the day, check in. What sensations are present? Where do you feel tension or ease? Breathe into discomfort: Instead of ignoring pain or anxiety, bring awareness to it. What is it trying to tell you? Move intuitively: Rather than forcing exercise or movement, explore what feels good whether it’s stretching, dancing, or simply breathing deeply. Follow pleasure: In all areas of life, from eating to intimacy, slow down and savour what feels nourishing. Respect your boundaries: If something doesn’t feel right in your body, whether it’s a relationship, a situation, or a decision, trust that instinct. Tantra: The Body Before the Mind I am drawn to Tantra as part of BeNkd Coaching because it is a practice that places the body before the mind. Tantra doesn’t ask us to analyse, suppress, or control our physical experience. Instead, it teaches us to be fully present in  our bodies, to move with awareness, to feel without judgment and to trust sensation as a guide. Through Tantra connection isn’t just something we think about it’s something we experience . Pleasure isn’t just an idea, it’s something we embody. It is one of the most powerful ways to break free from the mental noise and return to what is real: the breath, the movement, the energy flowing within us. As the mind softens, the wisdom of the body becomes clearer. Why Bother Listening? - 8 Benefits 1. Greater Physical Well-Being When you pay attention to your body’s signals of fatigue, tension, pain you can respond before issues escalate. This helps prevent burnout, injuries, and chronic stress-related conditions. 2. Reduced Stress and Anxiety Ignoring your body’s stress signals keeps your nervous system in overdrive. Listening allows you to self-regulate, using breath, movement, and rest to bring yourself back to balance. 3. Improved Emotional Awareness Your body holds emotions. By tuning in, you can recognise when you’re holding tension from stress, sadness, or anger allowing you to process emotions rather than suppress them. 4. Enhanced Pleasure and Sensory Awareness Whether in daily life or intimate moments, listening to your body helps you experience more pleasure noticing subtle sensations, deepening breath, and allowing yourself to fully enjoy touch, movement, and connection. 5. Better Decision Making Your body gives you intuitive signals. That gut feeling about a decision, the energy shift when something is right or wrong. Trusting these signals helps guide choices that align with your well-being. 6. Increased Self-Trust and Confidence The more you listen to your body and honour its messages, the more you build trust in yourself. You become less reliant on external validation and more grounded in your own needs and boundaries. 7. Stronger Mind Body Connection Listening to your body strengthens the feedback loop between thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. This creates a more harmonious relationship between mind and body, leading to greater ease and self-awareness. 8. Deeper Connection with Others When you are present in your own body, you naturally become more attuned to others, able to communicate more authentically, engage with more presence, and connect on a deeper level. The Mind-Body Connection Of course to fully experience life, we need both the body and the mind. Rather than allowing one to dominate, true balance comes from cultivating awareness of both by learning to listen, feel, and trust our physical sensations as much as our thoughts. When body and mind work in harmony, we move through life with greater ease, confidence, and authenticity. This is where real transformation happens. Your Body Knows—Trust It Your body is your most honest ally. It tells you when something is wrong, when something is right, and when you need to adjust. It is not your enemy. It does not betray you. It does not need to be fixed. It simply needs to be heard. So, the next time you find yourself doubting or dismissing what your body is saying, pause, listen and trust. Your body knows the way. Enjoy the day you create.   Until next time   Martin

Why Time Is the One Currency You Can’t Earn Back Imagine this: every single day, you wake up to find £86,400 has been deposited into your bank account. The only catch? You can’t save any of it. You must spend every penny before the day ends, or it’s gone. No rollover. No refunds. What would you do? Would you blow it all on indulgences? Use some to support others? Invest in experiences that bring you joy and connection? Most of us would take that opportunity seriously. Now here’s the real twist: You already have a gift worth far more than that. Every day, you’re given 86,400 seconds to spend 1,440 minutes , or 24 hours . And just like the money in that imagined account, you can’t save them for later. You can’t rewind or re-spend them. They come. They go. They're gone. Time is the most valuable currency you have. How are you spending yours? Who’s in Charge of Your Time? Most of us say we don’t have enough time. But if we’re honest, it’s less about how much we have and more about how we use it or lose it. Do you spend half an hour scrolling through social media, watching strangers live their lives, or do you take that same 1,800 seconds to walk in nature, stretch, or call a friend? Do you fill your schedule with distractions, obligations, or other people’s expectations… or do you pause, breathe, and choose what actually matters to you ? A Sense of Time Time isn’t just measured in clocks and calendars. It’s felt. A year can fly or crawl. A moment can last forever or vanish before you’ve had a chance to be present to it. Want to know how long a year is? Ask a child waiting for Christmas. How long a month is? Ask someone hoping for a positive pregnancy test. How long an hour is? Ask two lovers counting down to being reunited. How long a second is? Ask the driver who just missed a crash. And how long a nanosecond is? Ask the patient receiving life-changing news. Time is relative and intimately emotional. It stretches, contracts, intensifies. It becomes more meaningful the more embodied and present we are to it. Where Are You Wasting Time? This isn't an invitation to squeeze productivity out of every moment. It's not about becoming a time-efficiency machine. It’s about presence . It’s about choice . It’s about alignment . Some of the most valuable time we can spend is in stillness. In rest. In deep connection with ourselves and others. In play. In wonder. Time can be “wasted” when we’re on autopilot and disconnected from our bodies, our breath, our truth. So maybe the real question isn’t how much time you have, but are you living in your time or just passing through it? The Importance of Mindfulness Mindfulness is key to understanding how we spend our time. It allows us to be fully present in each moment. When we practice mindfulness, we can appreciate the small things. A cup of tea, a walk in the park, or a conversation with a friend can become meaningful experiences. By being mindful, we can make better choices about how we spend our time. Instead of getting lost in distractions, we can focus on what truly matters. This shift in perspective can lead to a more fulfilling life. Creating Meaningful Moments Every moment holds potential. It’s up to us to create meaning in our lives. This can be done through simple actions. For instance, you can choose to engage in activities that bring you joy. Whether it’s reading a book, cooking a meal, or spending time with loved ones, these moments matter. Consider how you can infuse your day with meaning. What activities resonate with you? How can you make time for them? Take a Breath and Choose You have 86,400 seconds today. You’ll never get them back. You could spend some of them moving your body, reconnecting with your breath, nourishing your nervous system. You could spend some of them having a courageous conversation, laughing with a friend, or being fully present for yourself. You could simply pause right now, feel your feet on the ground, close your eyes, and take three deep breaths. How will you spend your time today? Till next time… Enjoy the day you create. Martin

When we think about breathing, most of us immediately focus on inhaling. We imagine taking in a deep breath, filling our lungs, and pulling in more oxygen. Here’s the thing: without a good exhale, that deep breath is never going to happen. The truth is, many of us don’t fully breathe out. We carry around “stale” air in our lungs and then wonder why we feel tired, stressed, or short of breath. On top of that, a lot of people rely on mouth breathing, especially when they’re stressed, which can make relaxation harder and drain our energy. I see this all the time in my sessions. A Session with Mark Last week I was working with Mark. Now, Mark didn’t come to me to work on his breathing but breathing is always where I start. It’s top of the tree  when it comes to life! Mark’s a yogi, so he’s no stranger to breathing exercises. I asked him to change things up. Instead of focusing on big inhales, I had him: Breathe through his nose Focus on exhaling fully through his nose Pull his abdomen in as he breathed out The shift was immediate. His breath deepened. His whole body softened. He moved from a “fight-or-flight” state into “rest-and-digest”. Oxygen flooded his system and even walking felt lighter. He couldn’t stop smiling. I explained it with a simple analogy: if your car’s fuel tank is already half full, you can’t fit much more in. But if it’s nearly empty, you can fill it up completely. Same with your lungs - when you exhale fully, you make space for a real  inhale. As breathing is so natural and simple, we rarely think about it until something changes and makes us aware of it. However, the way we approach breathing can have profound effects on our overall well-being. Why Exhaling Matters When you focus on breathing out first, a few powerful things happen: Increased lung capacity  – you clear out stale air and make more room for oxygen-rich air which increases energy levels, boosts stamina and endurance and reduces mental and physical stress. Effortless inhalation  – the diaphragm works naturally, without strain meaning smoother and more relaxed breathing. Less shallow breathing  – breaks the cycle of stress-driven, quick breaths and start to slow and deepen breathing Changes Emotional State  – a long exhale tells your nervous system, “It’s safe to relax” Try it for Yourself Diaphragmatic Breathing Exhale fully through your mouth, drawing your belly button towards your spine. Then inhale slowly through your nose, allowing your abdomen to expand without forcing it . This technique enhances the efficiency of both  exhaling and inhaling. Extended Exhalation Breathe out through your nose for a count of 6–8, then in for a count of 4. This can instantly calm the mind. Mindful Breathing Notice the sensation of letting go with each exhale. Imagine stress leaving your body as the air leaves your lungs. Bringing it into Daily Life Morning boost  - Start your day with a few minutes focused on exhaling. This sets your mind and body up for the day by transitioning from sleep to being awake, enhances your respiratory capacity and helps you feel calm and better equipped to face the day.  In stressful moments  - before reacting, exhale deeply to give yourself space to respond thoughtfully Bedtime wind-down  - a few minutes of long, slow exhales can help your body drop into sleep mode A Final Thought In the rush of daily life, it’s easy to forget the power of simply breathing out. By prioritising your exhale you can boost your energy, calm your mind, and feel more connected to your body. Stop inhaling so much and start exhaling more. Now breathe out. Your body and mind will thank you for it. Till next time… Enjoy the day you create. Martin

We are all important. Every single one of us. We are not special, at least not in the way the ego would like us to believe. Judith Hanson Lasater writes in Living Your Yoga : “Everyone is important. No one is special.” Its a quote that has stayed with me for years and usually comes to mind when I'm being 'special'. At first, this may sound uncomfortable or even unfriendly. After a while it begins to feel like a kind of freedom. Being important means your presence matters. You belong. You are valued. Being special in the way it often plays out in everyday life means being the exception. The one who doesn’t need to think of others. The one who avoids the rules, expects flexibility from everyone else, and rarely offers it in return. Special people are not easy to be around. I see it almost every day. When I drive off the island where I live, there’s a long stretch of road with a 50mph speed limit. The limit has been in place for months while roadworks are ongoing. I stick to it. It’s not difficult, and I see no reason why the limit wouldn’t apply to me. Yet I’m regularly overtaken by drivers speeding past, often frustrated, often aggressive, as if this rule was meant for someone else. As if their time matters more than safety. In these moments, I can’t help but think that this is what being “special” looks like. It shows up in other ways too. The guy at the gym who doesn’t wipe down the equipment after using it, or who sweats all over the benches without a towel. His body, his sweat, his space. It’s other people who need to be considerate, not him. The other men who take up space with a kind of silent entitlement. They might move across multiple machines at once, hog equipment for extended periods, or throw weights down with theatrical force. As if size comes with superiority. As if strength means more importance. It shows up in travel when someone skips the queue, takes up more than their seat, or speaks rudely to staff. Or when people stand at the luggage belt as if no one else needs to see or move. There’s a feeling of “I come first. The rest of you don’t matter quite as much.” It even shows up in everyday appointments. The person who turns up late, leaves early, or cancels at the last minute again and again. Their time feels more valuable than yours. Their needs come first. Being on time is about respect for yourself and others. We also see it among people in positions of authority - politicians, celebrities, business leaders. When responsibility is avoided and blame is shifted, when public trust is broken without apology, when decisions are made with no sense of consequence there’s often a belief that the normal rules don’t apply. That their power puts them above the rest of us. That leadership means exemption rather than example. And too often, we let them get away with it perhaps because somewhere, part of us still believes that being special is something to aspire to. Maybe you’ve never seen yourself in any of these examples? Maybe your version of being special is quieter? You might believe your stress is more important than someone else’s. Or that the rules don’t apply to you because of your past, your pain, your experience. These patterns are rarely intentional or malicious. They’re learned behaviours, absorbed from a culture that prizes competition and comparison and where being important often gets confused with being louder, better, or more deserving than others. It’s also why many of us mistake confidence for being boastful or dominant, rather than recognising the quieter strength of self-belief and quiet conviction. Lasater’s insight offers a different way and is a powerful reminder. You are important and so is everyone else. To live your life with importance is to show up with this understanding. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about choosing care for yourself and  for others. I can drive safely, not to be a good person, but because the road is not mine alone. I can wipe down the gym equipment because I share the space with others. I can queue, show up on time, speak kindly, and listen fully because I’m part of something bigger than just me. It’s easy to spot the special ones in the world. We may even joke about them if we aren't being annoyed by them. It’s more useful though to notice where the special one lives in you. So here’s the practice: Know that you matter. Act like everyone else does too. Till next time… Enjoy the day you create. Martin

When Comparison Steals Your Joy Let’s be real: men compare. We compare our bodies—abs, arms, body hair, how we look in the gym, in the mirror, or in the showers. We compare careers—who’s earning more, who’s in charge, who seems more respected. We compare relationships—who’s got the “perfect” partner, more sex, less stress. We compare cars, homes, holidays, how confident someone seems at a party...the list goes on. Underneath all of this, the harshest comparison is often the one we make with an imagined version of ourselves—the man we think we should be by now. The one endorsed by an invisible committee telling us what a “real man” looks like. In my work with men, this comes up again and again. The comparison isn’t always with someone else. More often, it’s with a fantasy self. This is the version of them who’s always calm, confident, productive, sexy, successful, grounded, ripped, generous, spiritually enlightened… you get the picture. The man who has it all together. When we fall short of that ideal (which we always will because he doesn’t actually exist), it can feel like failure. Like we’re not good enough, not doing enough, not being enough. That kind of comparison disconnects you from yourself. It pulls you out of your body, out of the moment, and into a spiral of judgment, frustration, and shame. Here’s the truth: that imagined version of you is built on unrealistic expectations and cultural conditioning . It’s not a goal - it’s a ghost. Comparing your beautifully messy, human life to that polished illusion? Now that’s how your joy gets stolen. When Comparison Is Used Wisely Comparison itself isn’t the enemy. It’s a tool and, like any tool, how you use it makes all the difference. When used with care and wisdom, comparison can give you perspective. It actually helps you notice, learn, and grow. What you focus on is key! Narrow it down. Make it useful. Start Here: Make Comparisons Useful Let go of what you have been told should matter to you. Here’s the shift. Stop comparing everything! Start comparing the small things that actually help and matter to you. By the way, social media is never worth comparing yourself with! Ever. Base Comparisons on: Your Own Values Compare your actions or choices to the values you actually care about, not what others say should matter. “Was I honest in that conversation?” “Did I act with kindness or courage?” Your Own Progress Measure against where you were last week, last month, or last year. “Am I sleeping better?” “Do I feel more confident speaking up?” “Has my flexibility improved in this pose?” Your Level of Presence or Intention Not what you achieved but how you showed up. “Was I present with my partner today?” “Did I pause before reacting?” How Something Feels in Your Body or Nervous System Track shifts in felt experience and not surface appearance. “Do I feel more grounded after that walk?” “How does this workout affect my energy levels?” Experiences that Reflect Growth or Alignment Notice moments when you responded differently or made a new choice. “I used to avoid this kind of conversation, and today I initiated it.” “Last year I wouldn’t have taken a break, and today I did.” These kinds of comparisons are focused and build awareness instead of shame. They promote progress instead of pressure. They empower and build trust in yourself, increasing your self-worth. Avoid Comparisons Based on: External validation (likes, income, compliments) Social status symbols (cars, job titles, partner’s appearance) Idealised versions of masculinity (toughness, sexual prowess, emotional control, size) Fantasy versions of yourself you think you "should" be by now Practice: Reclaim Comparison Take a moment now. Think of a comparison you’ve been making lately, one that leaves you feeling small or “not enough.” Then ask: Is this comparison helping me or hurting me? Am I comparing myself to a real person or to a fantasy? Does what I am comparing myself with really matter? What would a more useful , more compassionate comparison look like? Comparison is inevitable. Suffering from it doesn’t have to be. What you do with comparison is what matters. Use it as a wise mirror, not a weapon! Conclusion: Embracing a Healthier Perspective In conclusion, comparison can be both a thief and a teacher. It is essential to recognise when it steals your joy and when it can be a tool for growth. By focusing on the right aspects of comparison, you can transform your perspective and enhance your life experience. I’d love to hear how this lands for you. What kinds of comparisons show up most in your life, and can you use them wisely to boost your joy rather than reduce it? Till the next time. Enjoy the day you create. Martin

Turn up the volume...Below is the video in tiles. Enjoy the day you create. Martin

If you ask anyone who has never been to a yoga class what yoga is, they’d probably say it’s all about bending, being supple, doing handstands, wearing lycra, being a bit hippy, and for slim people who are health fanatics. The reality is far from that. Yoga is for everyone and anyone. Its practices are based on the eight limbs of yoga, and the asanas, yoga poses, and movement are just one of those limbs. It’s the same with tantra. Everyone who has never experienced it, and even a few who have, believes it’s all about nakedness, sex that goes on for hours (Sting has a lot to answer for), erotic massage, and is for weirdos who believe in free love and aren’t quite “normal.” The reality? For me Tantra is a rich and ancient spiritual tradition that originates in Hinduism and Buddhism. It's a practice based on awareness, presence, connection and, ultimately, liberation. Tantra teaches us to see the beauty and power in everything. That includes the parts of ourselves we’ve been taught to hide or feel shame around. It includes the body, the breath, our senses, our pleasure, our discomfort. It’s not just about what happens in a bedroom (although it can certainly change that too) it’s about how we relate to life, to others, and to ourselves. Tantra invites us to look at our patterns Many of us have grown up with layers of conditioning around our bodies, our emotions, our desires, our ambitions, our masculinity...everything. We’ve been trained to suppress, to soldier on, to disconnect from ourselves and each other. Tantra invites us to unlearn all that. It nudges at our edges not to shock us but to reveal where we’ve drawn limits around our own experience. We have the opportunity to see ourselves and with that can make different choices about how we think, feel and act. Here are a just few examples of the kinds of patterns I often see (and some I have navigated myself): Pattern: “Sex is something I need to give, control, or perform.” A lot of men feel pressure to “be good at sex” or to satisfy others before considering their own needs. There’s often shame around wanting too much or not wanting enough. Tantra offers something different: a space to slow down, feel more, and shift the focus from performing to being. From ‘doing sex’ to feeling connection. From proving something, to simply being with another human being. Pattern: “I need to hide my body.” For many men, body shame runs deep. We’ve internalised ideas about what a ‘good body’ looks like - muscular, hairless, youthful, tanned - and learned to cover up, laugh it off, hide, or disconnect. Tantra invites us back into the body with kindness. To move with it, breathe with it, and maybe—eventually—love it.Not because it’s perfect, simply because it’s ours . Pattern: “Putting myself first is selfish.” Whether it’s work, relationships, or family, many of us were taught to put others first. That caring for ourselves is indulgent. That rest is laziness. That asking for what we need is weak or selfish. Tantra encourages a rebalancing. It teaches that presence with self is the first step toward authentic connection with others. When we connect with ourselves we connect with others. That your needs matter. That it’s okay to say no. That taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential and necessary. Pattern: “Touch needs a reason.” Many men have learned to associate touch with either sex or violence—and not much in between. Affectionate, caring, platonic touch is often seen as weak, suspicious, or just not masculine. Tantra helps us reclaim the language of touch . To experience it as nourishing, grounding, and natural.To discover how powerful a simple hand on a shoulder, a hug, or a moment of shared stillness can be—without needing it to lead to anything else. Pattern: “Pleasure is something I need to earn.” There’s a deep cultural belief that pleasure must be deserved—only allowed after hard work, sacrifice, or approval from others. This leads many of us to disconnect from pleasure or feel guilty when we experience it. Tantra reminds us that pleasure isn’t a reward and that is part of being alive . It invites us to notice small pleasures, such as the feel of sunlight, the rhythm of the breath, the sensation of movement or rest, and trust that these moments of joy, too, are valid and valuable. It’s not all about sex - Tantra invites us to explore the many ways we connect, breathe, move, feel, and relate—not just in the bedroom, but in everyday life. It's not about performance. It's about presence. It includes the body, but not the idealised one - Tantra welcomes the reality of our bodies. Not what they "should" be, but how they actually are—soft, strong, tired, aching, alive. It's not about hiding or fixing. It's about being with. It challenges old patterns - Many of us have been taught to deny our pleasure, hide our emotions, or put others first at the expense of ourselves. Tantra asks us to question those patterns. To notice what no longer serves us. And to imagine something different. It values consent and connection - There is nothing "tantric" about bypassing someone's boundaries or overriding your own. True connection can only come through deep listening—to yourself and to others. That includes saying no. It invites exploration, not certainty - There is no fixed path. No need to be naked or spiritual or partnered. No need to sign up to a belief system. Just a willingness to notice, to feel, and to stay curious. It shows up in the simple things - In how we breathe. In how we connect. In how we move. In how we listen. In how we reclaim touch as a source of safety, connection, and truth. Tantra is a practice of softening, returning and letting go Tantra isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about becoming more yourself. It ’s a practice of softening and letting go. Of staying with sensation rather than over thinking. Of saying yes to life though not in a reckless way more in a deeply conscious one. It teaches us to listen more closely to both our mind and body. To respond instead of react. To see the value in what’s real, messy, and human. In the work I offer, tantra is one thread among many . I draw on it gently. Not as a fixed set of techniques, more as an approach that honours the body, the breath, and the present moment. It’s there in how we slow down. In how we stay curious. In how we reclaim touch, connection, and truth as vital parts of our well-being. You don’t need to be spiritual. You don’t need to be naked. If anything in these reflections spoke to you—if you felt curious, unsettled, relieved, or even resistant—that’s all part of the process. Tantra isn’t about being fixed or finished. It’s about being real. Learning to meet yourself, again and again, with a little more honesty and a little more care. You don’t need to “get it right.” You don’t need to strip off or sign up to anything. You’re allowed to take your time, ask questions, and find your own way. If you're ready to unlearn some of what no longer serves you, you’re already on the path. All that Tantra requires is a willingness to explore. If you’re curious, you can start now by taking a breath, feeling into your body, and asking: What am I ready to unlearn? Let me know what you come up with. Enjoy the day you create.   Until next time   Martin

Creating Space for Change In my work with men, I have noticed a significant pattern. Meaningful change often does not start with a grand plan or pressure. Instead, it begins with a simple pause. Often, this pause is quiet. What follows is rarely dramatic, and that is the point. The men I work with do not need fixing. They don't require someone else's definition of success. They need the space to truly feel themselves — physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. They also need a safe environment to trust what they discover and make choices accordingly. Through this blog, I want to share real stories from real clients (names changed to protect privacy). These men made decisions, often surprisingly small ones, that led to powerful outcomes. They didn't follow a strict program or wait for instructions. Instead, they chose to follow themselves. When this internal shift happens, results naturally follow. Their lives change gently, consistently, and permanently. This blog serves as a growing collection, showcasing what is possible when men create change on their own terms. I will continue to add to it over time. Peter's Story Peter came to me at a time when he felt lost. His days blurred together, filled with routines that no longer excited him. We worked together to create small moments of pause in his day. He began to notice his feelings, allowing himself to consider what truly mattered to him. Over time, Peter made deliberate choices. These choices, while small, led to a newfound enthusiasm for life. Arnold's Story Arnold faced a common struggle: he felt disconnected from himself. Through movement and conversation, he learned to pause and listen to his thoughts. This practice led him to discover new interests. Arnold began to engage in activities that brought him joy and fulfillment. As he explored his passions, he found the confidence to redefine his sense of self. Ryan's Story Ryan's journey was a long and challenging one. He struggled with injuries and addiction, feeling trapped in a cycle of despair. Through gentle guidance and support, he began to build resilience. Ryan's commitment to movement and mindfulness practices provided him with the tools to heal. He found strength in vulnerability, making choices that led to a healthier and more fulfilling life. Sebastian's Story Sebastian's transformation began with a realization. He had been living life on autopilot, ignoring his own needs. Through our sessions, he learned to approach life with curiosity and mindfulness. This shift allowed him to reconnect with his feelings. As a result, Sebastian embraced new experiences and made choices that reflected his true self. Your Story? These stories are not about transformation through force. Instead, they highlight the importance of making choices that resonate with each individual. Change doesn’t have to be dramatic to be meaningful. When a shift comes from within, it tends to last. If something here resonates with you, a thread, a feeling, or a quiet “that could be me” , remember that you are not alone. You don’t have to navigate this journey by yourself. One small shift can change everything. Enjoy the day you create. Martin You can read more about exploration of self-change here .