What Tantra Is (and Isn’t) - Part One

If you ask anyone who has never been to a yoga class what yoga is, they’d probably say it’s all about bending, being supple, doing handstands, wearing lycra, being a bit hippy, and for slim people who are health fanatics. The reality is far from that. Yoga is for everyone and anyone. Its practices are based on the eight limbs of yoga, and the asanas, yoga poses, and movement are just one of those limbs.

It’s the same with tantra. Everyone who has never experienced it, and even a few who have, believes it’s all about nakedness, sex that goes on for hours (Sting has a lot to answer for), erotic massage, and is for weirdos who believe in free love and aren’t quite “normal.”

The reality? For me Tantra is a rich and ancient spiritual tradition that originates in Hinduism and Buddhism. It's a practice based on awareness, presence, connection and, ultimately, liberation.

Tantra teaches us to see the beauty and power in everything. That includes the parts of ourselves we’ve been taught to hide or feel shame around. It includes the body, the breath, our senses, our pleasure, our discomfort. It’s not just about what happens in a bedroom (although it can certainly change that too) it’s about how we relate to life, to others, and to ourselves.

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Tantra invites us to look at our patterns

Many of us have grown up with layers of conditioning around our bodies, our emotions, our desires, our ambitions, our masculinity...everything. We’ve been trained to suppress, to soldier on, to disconnect from ourselves and each other. Tantra invites us to unlearn all that. It nudges at our edges not to shock us but to reveal where we’ve drawn limits around our own experience. We have the opportunity to see ourselves and with that can make different choices about how we think, feel and act.

Here are a just few examples of the kinds of patterns I often see (and some I have navigated myself):

Pattern: “Sex is something I need to give, control, or perform.”

A lot of men feel pressure to “be good at sex” or to satisfy others before considering their own needs. There’s often shame around wanting too much or not wanting enough.

Tantra offers something different: a space to slow down, feel more, and shift the focus from performing to being. From ‘doing sex’ to feeling connection. From proving something, to simply being with another human being.

Pattern: “I need to hide my body.”

For many men, body shame runs deep. We’ve internalised ideas about what a ‘good body’ looks like - muscular, hairless, youthful, tanned - and learned to cover up, laugh it off, hide, or disconnect.

Tantra invites us back into the body with kindness.To move with it, breathe with it, and maybe—eventually—love it.Not because it’s perfect, simply because it’s ours.

Pattern: “Putting myself first is selfish.”

Whether it’s work, relationships, or family, many of us were taught to put others first. That caring for ourselves is indulgent. That rest is laziness. That asking for what we need is weak or selfish.

Tantra encourages a rebalancing. It teaches that presence with self is the first step toward authentic connection with others. When we connect with ourselves we connect with others. That your needs matter. That it’s okay to say no. That taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential and neccesary.

Pattern: “Touch needs a reason.”

Many men have learned to associate touch with either sex or violence—and not much in between. Affectionate, caring, platonic touch is often seen as weak, suspicious, or just not masculine.

Tantra helps us reclaim the language of touch. To experience it as nourishing, grounding, and natural.To discover how powerful a simple hand on a shoulder, a hug, or a moment of shared stillness can be—without needing it to lead to anything else.

Pattern: “Pleasure is something I need to earn.”

There’s a deep cultural belief that pleasure must be deserved—only allowed after hard work, sacrifice, or approval from others. This leads many of us to disconnect from pleasure or feel guilty when we experience it.

Tantra reminds us that pleasure isn’t a reward and that is part of being alive. It invites us to notice small pleasures, such as the feel of sunlight, the rhythm of the breath, the sensation of movement or rest, and trust that these moments of joy, too, are valid and valuable.

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It’s not all about sex - Tantra invites us to explore the many ways we connect, breathe, move, feel, and relate—not just in the bedroom, but in everyday life. It's not about performance. It's about presence.

It includes the body, but not the idealised one - Tantra welcomes the reality of our bodies. Not what they "should" be, but how they actually are—soft, strong, tired, aching, alive. It's not about hiding or fixing. It's about being with.

It challenges old patterns - Many of us have been taught to deny our pleasure, hide our emotions, or put others first at the expense of ourselves. Tantra asks us to question those patterns. To notice what no longer serves us. And to imagine something different.

It values consent and connection - There is nothing "tantric" about bypassing someone's boundaries or overriding your own. True connection can only come through deep listening—to yourself and to others. That includes saying no.

It invites exploration, not certainty - There is no fixed path. No need to be naked or spiritual or partnered. No need to sign up to a belief system. Just a willingness to notice, to feel, and to stay curious.

It shows up in the simple things - In how we breathe. In how we connect. In how we move. In how we listen. In how we reclaim touch as a source of safety, connection, and truth.

Tantra is a practice of softening, returning and letting go

Tantra isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about becoming more yourself. It’s a practice of softening and letting go. Of staying with sensation rather than over thinking. Of saying yes to life though not in a reckless way more in a deeply conscious one. It teaches us to listen more closely to both our mind and body. To respond instead of react. To see the value in what’s real, messy, and human.

In the work I offer, tantra is one thread among many. I draw on it gently. Not as a fixed set of techniques, more as an approach that honours the body, the breath, and the present moment.

It’s there in how we slow down. In how we stay curious. In how we reclaim touch, connection, and truth as vital parts of our well-being.

You don’t need to be spiritual. You don’t need to be naked.

If anything in these reflections spoke to you—if you felt curious, unsettled, relieved, or even resistant—that’s all part of the process. Tantra isn’t about being fixed or finished. It’s about being real. Learning to meet yourself, again and again, with a little more honesty and a little more care.

You don’t need to “get it right.” You don’t need to strip off or sign up to anything. You’re allowed to take your time, ask questions, and find your own way.

If you're ready to unlearn some of what no longer serves you, you’re already on the path. All that Tantra requires is a willingness to explore.

If you’re curious, you can start now by taking a breath, feeling into your body, and asking:

What am I ready to unlearn? Let me know what you come up with.

Enjoy the day you create.

Until next time

Martin